Wednesday, February 10, 2016

If my toddler ran the library

To check out a book, leap onto the chest of the nearest staff member and holler “LET’S READ DIS.” To complete the transaction, shove some dry cereal into the staff member’s mouth.

To renew a resource, call the library to demand a MORE-AGAIN! or click the MORE-AGAIN! button while logged in from your account. If there is a hold on the resource or the renewal period has expired, repeat MORE-AGAIN! more loudly, fluttering your feet and other available limbs as possible.

We strive to understand how we can better serve you. If a resource was not helpful, please do not return it to the shelf. Do snap it shut, shout “THE END,” and throw it on the floor in the middle of the room to be collected by our staff.  

Card holders may request items not owned by the library through our Interlibrary Loan service. If we see another library has that item, we will position ourselves closely to that library and then swat it out of that library’s hand.

For your convenience, photocopiers are located on every floor next to the elevators. Alternatively, you may snatch any phone in your line of vision and scurry to a corner to privately access the camera function. 

Books returned with damage may be routed to the preservation department at the patron’s cost. Bite marks will be desalivated with an old dish rag and gaping tears will be repaired with several layers of scotch tape. If a rip is small and nearly indiscernible, our staff will simply pull on it further and giggle until all hope of repair is lost.

The library closes at 11pm. Patrons are given a 15-minute warning to finish their milk and say "bye bye" to any non-circulating materials, with a reminder they can be accessed again tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

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